Repercussions of a Breakup

So yesterday was the first day I didn't do any drinking at all. I figured since it's God's day of rest, I'd give my liver a rest as well. That didn't go down very well. I felt absolute vicious yesterday. I wanted to punch holes in the walls, kick, and destroy shit all day. I wanted to cry and scream but I didn't do either. I wanted to get blitzed, didn't do that either. It actually took all my willpower not to do anything. I did get up and go to church but I felt more irritated sitting there but I sat thru the whole service. Figured maybe it would sink in through osmosis or something. Guess I'll see later because I'm still in the most putrid of moods. I'm never hungry and all I want to do is walk, not that it helps but it's something I suppose. I think what is bothering me so much is that my ex doesn't even appear to be apologetic. The words were said but no actions. Nothing.

 I feel victimized and like the biggest idiot ever to live. Am I overreacting? Nope, not one bit because they was my one of my closest friends and after trusting in them for about 2yrs, I feel betrayed. I stopped and started doing things because of them, not because they asked me to but because I know they liked or didn't like certain things that I did.... and I'm not even talking about sex or anything sex-related. I had a theory about love as far as I am involved, I honestly didn't think that it was for me no matter how much I want it and to be married, never had faith that it would happen for me. Then, I had to go and fall in love with them which gave me the twinkle of hope that maybe I was wrong but not anymore.

 As painful as this is, I don't want anything else to do with it. I'll just do what I have to do when and if I have 'needs' but the rest of that bullshit, I do NOT need. Thanks, but no thanks. I lost my close friend and a dear loved one, best believe I'm ill-mannered. Irony of this fiasco is that when I have a bad day, they would be the one that would make it better. Positive into a huge negative in the flip of a fuckin' hat. And as much as I try to get over it, the madder I get.

Sigh, until next time.