Sorry, it's been awhile is really an understatement being that it has been hmm, roughly 5 years. This has still been in the back of my mind but just couldn't actually make myself post anything. I don't think anyone follows anymore or even know about this blog so I'm really not sure it matters anyway.
Well, not to get distracted as I often do, let's begin the discussion. I guess it's really not a discussion but more or less just my thoughts. The word strong means according to Google, powerful; having or using great control or force; to have great resources(wealth); possess moral and intellectual power. There were several more definitions but these are the ones I chose. Like many words, depending on the person, the definition may differ to some degree but everyone gets the general gist of the word.
My take on being strong, most days that shit is exhausting and overrated. As children, we are taught to be strong especially if you are of the male gender or the oldest child of a family. I don't know much about the newer generations as I'm a bit old school being I'm at the beginning of my fourth decade of life. I am the oldest child in my family and although my younger sibling is only three years younger, we view our childhood completely different.
Back to my point, being strong or the appearance of strength but I think they can be two very distinctly different things. Sorry, I'm rambling. I don't have an outline or anything on how I'm writing this, just letting it spill from my brain as it comes so apologies for being all over the place. I am going to sort of try to stay on topic though. Being strong is tiring and I believe we are all to some degree strong but just at different things.
I have been through a lot of difficult experiences in my life but I think we all view our lives that way. I've been a victim of violence and abuse, way to many times that I even want to admit, buried a toddler, I suffer from depression and grew up in the Bible belt of the USA which doesn't encourage open-minded thinking of deviating from your religious upbringing. In my area, mental illness/distress isn't considered a real thing. Depression, unheard of, because being overwhelmingly sad to the point of incapacity is just being lazy.
I have people I am friendly with and they know slivers of my life that I chose to share and most of them are like wow, you are so strong. I don't know what I would do if I had been in that situation, shoot, I have even said that to people in discussions but the reality is we adjust to experiences in life or we don't.
I have tried on three separate occasions in my life to take my life, but hey, still here obviously. Some days I still don't know if I'm lucky or unlucky it didn't work out but I adjust and take each day as it's dealt. If I had exceeded, I wouldn't have been here to see my child grow up to be an somewhat independent adult(still working on the independent part). On the flip side of that, I don't know if I'm strong enough to make it through most days so I have to take those days minute by minute and sometimes, second by second.
I had a discussion with a family member about suicide once. This person has their own personal experience with mental health issues but bristled with disgust when one of her close friends committed suicide leaving behind 3 children and a wife. She literally called this person a coward and failure as a parent and spouse. I felt so revolted and angry at her behavior. I can see how she feels for the family and I did too but the situation isn't so black and white as there are so many variations of grey. Of course, there's no a big gaping hole in that family that no one will fill, their children lost a parent and spouse lost a partner they were supposed to have thru thick and thin and all that was expressed in their vows on their wedding day but I can also see the other side of the story.
Maybe this person literally saw no bright side to their situation and honestly believed their family would be better off. I know there's some delusion to this but belief is a helluva thing. Maybe that person didn't believe they were strong enough to get up another day or strong enough to be a parent because on some level they thought they were broken and couldn't be fixed. It's really hard to tell someone(s) you love that I am so deeply and incredibly sad that I don't even want to live anymore. Tell them I am not strong enough to, good enough to, just can't do whatever hardship they are going thru. Most days, I have a very hard time just getting out of bed period. To see that reaction is, whew, very scary. The things that cross my mind are how m family will feel, will they think I didn't love them enough to push thru or like my friend, think I'm a coward and failure. Really, it's not about them at all.
Some of us that are still here deal with the what ifs daily but are somehow managing to push thru. Am I strong, I don't think so. I'm adapting to the hand and emotions dealt to me. I have night terrors, insomnia, migraines, unexplained body ailments and suicidal depressive thoughts EVERy day but I'm still here. I make a choice, life is a series of choices, some days the choices are good but others not so much.
There are some who go to therapy, have people they can speak to for help, not everyone is as fortunate. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses or trying to speak for others. Just trying to express my take on some situations I have seen or experienced. I don't really know if this entry was on topic about being strong or just the ramblings of a chaotic. That sounds like a better title actually. Well, until next time.
Please seek help if you need it, you will not be considered weak if you do. There's strength in asking for help. Also know that you are not alone, I hear you and see you.
National Suicide Hotline 800-273-8255
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