Five Years, Time Flies

 Well, it's 2021. It's been five years since I last posted before my previous one of a few minutes ago. Things have definitely changed as now I'm 5 years older.

I am the parent of a soon-to-be 21 year old and that's been an interesting but rewarding experience. I have moved to a new state for now and am preparing to move overseas in several months. I'm trying to do all the things responsible adults are supposed to ideally be doing, you know, working, paying bills.. adult stuff. Learning more about finance and budgeting. Being an adult is vastly overrated. Don't grow up!

My sibling is now married with a family. COVID-19 happened and I was furloughed from my job for several months. I've become a hermit in my home state for the time being as I don't have people I know here outside of family.

I've become interested in other cultures recently. I'm trying to be knowledgeable about the world. I like C-, J-, and K-Dramas as well as Hispanic and French movies and music. I am learning many languages and dancing again. Proud member of BTS Army but I like many different artists although I wouldn't consider myself apart of the other artists' fandoms because it's a lot.

I know I have posted this before but I really am going to be more vigilant in posting more here. I manifest it. :)

Until later, take care of yourselves.

Strong...My Thoughts or Random Ramblings of a Chaotic, You Choose..

 Sorry, it's been awhile is really an understatement being that it has been hmm, roughly 5 years. This has still been in the back of my mind but just couldn't actually make myself post anything. I don't think anyone follows anymore or even know about this blog so I'm really not sure it matters anyway.

Well, not to get distracted as I often do, let's begin the discussion. I guess it's really not a discussion but more or less just my thoughts. The word strong means according to Google, powerful; having or using great control or force; to have great resources(wealth); possess moral and intellectual power. There were several more definitions but these are the ones I chose. Like many words, depending on the person, the definition may differ to some degree but everyone gets the general gist of the word.

My take on being strong, most days that shit is exhausting and overrated. As children, we are taught to be strong especially if you are of the male gender or the oldest child of a family. I don't know much about the newer generations as I'm a bit old school being I'm at the beginning of my fourth decade of life. I am the oldest child in my family and although my younger sibling is only three years younger, we view our childhood completely different.

Back to my point, being strong or the appearance of strength but I think they can be two very distinctly different things. Sorry, I'm rambling. I don't have an outline or anything on how I'm writing this, just letting it spill from my brain as it comes so apologies for being all over the place. I am going to sort of try to stay on topic though. Being strong is tiring and I believe we are all to some degree strong but just at different things.

I have been through a lot of difficult experiences in my life but I think we all view our lives that way. I've been a victim of violence and abuse, way to many times that I even want to admit, buried a toddler, I suffer from depression and grew up in the Bible belt of the USA which doesn't encourage open-minded thinking of deviating from your religious upbringing. In my area, mental illness/distress isn't considered a real thing. Depression, unheard of, because being overwhelmingly sad to the point of incapacity is just being lazy.

I have people I am friendly with and they know slivers of my life that I chose to share and most of them are like wow, you are so strong. I don't know what I would do if I had been in that situation, shoot, I have even said that to people in discussions but the reality is we adjust to experiences in life or we don't.

I have tried on three separate occasions in my life to take my life, but hey, still here obviously. Some days I still don't know if I'm lucky or unlucky it didn't work out but I adjust and take each day as it's dealt. If I had exceeded, I wouldn't have been here to see my child grow up to be an somewhat independent adult(still working on the independent part). On the flip side of that, I don't know if I'm strong enough to make it through most days so I have to take those days minute by minute and sometimes, second by second.

I had a discussion with a family member about suicide once. This person has their own personal experience with mental health issues but bristled with disgust when one of her close friends committed suicide leaving behind 3 children and a wife. She literally called this person a coward and failure as a parent and spouse. I felt so revolted and angry at her behavior. I can see how she feels for the family and I did too but the situation isn't so black and white as there are so many variations of grey. Of course, there's no a big gaping hole in that family that no one will fill, their children lost a parent and spouse lost a partner they were supposed to have thru thick and thin and all that was expressed in their vows on their wedding day but I can also see the other side of the story.

Maybe this person literally saw no bright side to their situation and honestly believed their family would be better off. I know there's some delusion to this but belief is a helluva thing. Maybe that person didn't believe they were strong enough to get up another day or strong enough to be a parent because on some level they thought they were broken and couldn't be fixed. It's really hard to tell someone(s) you love that I am so deeply and incredibly sad that I don't even want to live anymore. Tell them I am not strong enough to, good enough to, just can't do whatever hardship they are going thru. Most days, I have a very hard time just getting out of bed period. To see that reaction is, whew, very scary. The things that cross my mind are how m family will feel, will they think I didn't love them enough to push thru or like my friend, think I'm a coward and failure. Really, it's not about them at all.

Some of us that are still here deal with the what ifs daily but are somehow managing to push thru. Am I strong, I don't think so. I'm adapting to the hand and emotions dealt to me. I have night terrors, insomnia, migraines, unexplained body ailments and suicidal depressive thoughts EVERy day but I'm still here. I make a choice, life is a series of choices, some days the choices are good but others not so much.

There are some who go to therapy, have people they can speak to for help, not everyone is as fortunate. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses or trying to speak for others. Just trying to express my take on some situations I have seen or experienced. I don't really know if this entry was on topic about being strong or just the ramblings of a chaotic. That sounds like a better title actually. Well, until next time.

Please seek help if you need it, you will not be considered weak if you do. There's strength in asking for help. Also know that you are not alone, I hear you and see you.

National Suicide Hotline 800-273-8255

Hear ME!

I'm a soft spoken person. I always have been. I mean what do you expect when you've been groomed most of your life to be invisible. I've been through a lot in my life, some really tragic stuff and through it all, I found my voice but what difference does it make if no one hears me?

I am one of the most genuine people you will meet(my opinion) and I love making others laugh, usually at my expense as I really don't take myself very seriously. Who cares if you laugh at me, I laugh at myself quite often. Laughter makes life better.

There's one thing I don't care for about myself though. I can't get loud. I feel like I was groomed to be stifled. I can really tell it when I'm singing (no, I'm not a singer but in the shower or my car, I'm a rockstar.. lol). Even going to sporting events or concerts, I scream along with the rest of the crowd and I feel like it's just a whisper in the wind. Some of my friends think it's funny and some of my colleagues too but I find it so frustrating. It really pains me if in a crowded room or with a group of people and I have to speak, no one hears me and all I hear is speak up or scream but they don't even realize that I already am. I just want people to hear me.

I'm looking into getting voice lessons so I can come out of my proverbial shell so to speak. I just want to be heard, HEAR ME NOW!!

Let's Try This Again- I'm BACK!

Hello readers. I'm BACK. 

It's now 2016 and I am going to try to diligently write more. I have so much going in my head and my life. I've been thinking about life a lot lately, the things that I've survived and experienced. Life really is like a roller coaster with both ups and downs but lately mostly downs. I know this ride isn't over yet and it's destined for the up side.

There's been so much going on in the world and in my life and although I do write in a journal daily, I try my best to at least, I will also share some of my thoughts here to see if others feel the same way. It's crazy how much potential and passion I  have on the inside and I'm excited to share with everyone. This is very new to me because I have always been the private and quiet one. For as long as I can remember I have been taught to be quiet, don't cause trouble just go with the flow and I did so to a damaging fault. I'm over doing that shit. Keeping your mouth shut when people are doing wrong or treating others wrongly and you're being silent is JUST as bad. Make noise, bring attention to those who treat you and others' badly. It is not okay by any means. Love yourself enough to fight for yourself. Once you are strong for yourself, you can be strong and help others. Many ideas, thoughts and dreams will be shared. Please feel free to share with me.

I'm going to write these thoughts out of my mind. It's my life, my thoughts and my feelings here. Nothing really instructional but I hope my mistakes help someone else. That's all for now. Take care until next time.

This is a non-negative zone though, I don't mind disagreement and debate but hate and disrepectfulness will get your ass blocked.

Candi in HD

Superwoman...(Excerpt from a book)

As much as I would like to Superwoman, I can't be. I am miles from being Superwoman. Superwoman's house wouldn't be dirty at all. Superwoman's house wouldn't have a Macy's bag lying on the kitchen floor, from a purchase made days ago. Superwoman would never forget her grandmother's birthday or be late for work or allow one of the children to spill a strawberry milkshake in  Dad's company car. She would never have overdue books from the library or overdue movies from the video store or a bad hair day. She would never misplace her glasses, her keys, or her entire purse. (Superwoman would never wear glasses.) Superwoman would never make a false start into a four-way-stop intersection or graze another car in the supermarket parking lot. And Superwoman would never lock her keys in the trunk. Superwoman would always eat the right foods and get enough rest. Her fingernails and toenails would always be neatly painted. The same color.

Superwoman would be either the perfect "Donna Reed" homemaker or the perfect, got-it-all-together career woman. She would never feel like an ineffective compromise between the two. Superwoman would have a clear sense of purpose instead of feeling pulled in many different directions. Superwoman would SAVE THE WORLD! She would never be afraid of it. Superwoman would never cry. Superwoman would never wait two months to balance the checkbook. Superwoman's ice trays would never stay empty. Superwoman's bed would be made every day, early in the day, very early in the day.

Superwoman would never burn a grilled cheese sandwich because she got engrossed in emptying the dishwasher. Superwoman would be a soprano soloist, not an adequate alto in the choir's second row. Superwoman would never say stupid things that embarrass her. She would never hurt a friend's feelings thoughtlessly. She would never lose her temper. Superwoman would never feel sorry for herself. And Superwoman would have no need of God. Superwoman is not real, because all real people have need of God.

I am real. Real vulnerable. Real concerned. Real happy. Real sad. Real needy. I'm not Superwoman! Superwoman does not exist. But super women do. A super woman never focuses only on her failings, but recognizes her unique abilities and celebrates them. A super woman remembers to take note of and take heart in all that she does right. A super woman pauses in the midst of the mundane and the monotonous to remember the perfect golden-brown meringue on that last chocolate pie (and how the friends who shared it raved about it); to reflect on major and  minor successes in life which are such standard performance they tend not to stand out or be appreciated as they really should; to realize the world needs altos as well as sopranos.

A super woman fights feeling of dejection by reminding herself of all the birthdays remembered, school projects helped with, lost objects found, dresses sewn, piano lessons given, reports written, hugs shared, meals prepared, deadlines met, sorrows consoled, biscuits rolled, shoes tied, new recipes tried, coworkers helped, lessons learned, money earned, calls returned, and grilled cheese sandwiches not burned. A super woman acknowledges to herself the many gifts and abilities she brings to her family, to her work, to her world. She remembers that each gift and each ability comes from God and can be used to honor him. Above all, she finds her personal worth in God's perfect love and sees the futility of trying to achieve or prove worth through her own accomplishments. There is no Superwoman. But there are a great many super women. And I am one of them. 

**EXERPT from a book**( I don't know which one since I didn't notate it in the original post or I would credit it, sorry to the author!)

Until next time.

Greatest Irony of Love..

The greatest irony of love; loving the right person at the wrong time;"having the wrong person when the time is right and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life... And sometimes, you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again... For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much they love that person... In my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else... Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little... As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason why the heart is not always right... Most often we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them we are just for passing time. While the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger... So here's a piece of advice; let go when you're hurting too much. Give up when love isn't enough, and move on when things are not like before... For sure there is someone out there WHO WILL LOVE YOU EVEN MORE! ~Author Unknown

Repercussions of a Breakup

So yesterday was the first day I didn't do any drinking at all. I figured since it's God's day of rest, I'd give my liver a rest as well. That didn't go down very well. I felt absolute vicious yesterday. I wanted to punch holes in the walls, kick, and destroy shit all day. I wanted to cry and scream but I didn't do either. I wanted to get blitzed, didn't do that either. It actually took all my willpower not to do anything. I did get up and go to church but I felt more irritated sitting there but I sat thru the whole service. Figured maybe it would sink in through osmosis or something. Guess I'll see later because I'm still in the most putrid of moods. I'm never hungry and all I want to do is walk, not that it helps but it's something I suppose. I think what is bothering me so much is that my ex doesn't even appear to be apologetic. The words were said but no actions. Nothing.

 I feel victimized and like the biggest idiot ever to live. Am I overreacting? Nope, not one bit because they was my one of my closest friends and after trusting in them for about 2yrs, I feel betrayed. I stopped and started doing things because of them, not because they asked me to but because I know they liked or didn't like certain things that I did.... and I'm not even talking about sex or anything sex-related. I had a theory about love as far as I am involved, I honestly didn't think that it was for me no matter how much I want it and to be married, never had faith that it would happen for me. Then, I had to go and fall in love with them which gave me the twinkle of hope that maybe I was wrong but not anymore.

 As painful as this is, I don't want anything else to do with it. I'll just do what I have to do when and if I have 'needs' but the rest of that bullshit, I do NOT need. Thanks, but no thanks. I lost my close friend and a dear loved one, best believe I'm ill-mannered. Irony of this fiasco is that when I have a bad day, they would be the one that would make it better. Positive into a huge negative in the flip of a fuckin' hat. And as much as I try to get over it, the madder I get.

Sigh, until next time.

Signs you're dating a keeper...

1. You don't have to wait three or more hours for a response for a simple text every time you send one. 

2. They aren't embarrassed or put out by introducing you to their friends/including you sometimes in their outings. 

3. They are willing to give, or at least share, the last slice of pizza. 

4. You are not afraid to be yourself around them; your strange humor, your occasionally awkward mannerisms, your interests in things that other people might consider a waste of time. 

5. Even if what you like might not be their favorite thing, they are always willing to give things a try if they are important to you. 

6. They don't fill your Facebook wall with inappropriate;OMG baby it's been almost a week! Miss u so much!-esque posts, because no one deserves to have to look at that. 

7. They respect not only you, but the people you love in your life; if they are super sweet to you but constantly ragging on your parents/friends, you need to cut them loose. 

8. You are both able to communicate honestly with each other about your feelings and needs in the relationship without feeling like it's going to turn into a horrible fight. 

9. They are a firm, enthusiastic believer in cunnilingus. 

10. You never feel as though they are slumming it or doing a favor by being with you. 

11. They surprise you; and not just with random gifts of flowers or chocolate. They are evolving into a better person from being with you (just as you are with them). 

12. You don't have to have some extravagant night in an expensive restaurant in order to both enjoy the evening and feel appreciated. 

13. There is never a question as to how they actually feel about you. 

14. Sex isn't used as a placeholder for other emotions that might not be there, or not be there in high enough quantities. 

15. They are just as capable of having a ridiculous night in, eating junk food and watching crappy TV, as they are of shining up and attending an important event. 

16. Your mom likes them. 

17. You are capable of both doing your own thing from time to time without the other becoming irrationally jealous, suspicious, or angry. 

18. There is never any doubt that they are thinking of you, that they consider your feelings, and that you are important to their life. 

19. You both have generally similar visions of the future, and what you want out of life. (You don't want there to come a moment where things can go no further because, say, one absolutely wants children and the other absolutely doesn't.) 

20. If you suffer a moment of weakness or need help with something, they are eager to support you and not shame you for being incapable of handling it on your own. 

21. If they are straight, they don't say f*g, and if they are white, they don't say the n-word. They show respect. (Any keeper needs basic home training.) 

22. They don't make fun of your taste in music/pop culture/entertainment. (Well, a little teasing is fine, but they shouldn't be seriously judging you over it.) 

23. They encourage and support you in pursuing your dreams in life. 

24. You feel welcome and comfortable around their family; even if no future in-laws are perfect. 

25. There aren't any secrets between the two of you, or things about yourselves which you feel you need to seriously hide from one another. 

26. They are proud of you. 

27. There is no pressure for either of you to adhere to strict, completely outdated gender roles; or a feeling that, if you don't, the other isn't attracted to you anymore. 

28. Your friends enjoy being around them, and generally think that they are a cool person who is good for you. 

29. They make you laugh, laugh so hard you can't breathe, laugh so much that you don't care if you're doing your; ugly, weird, cackley/snorty laugh. (And they love your laugh.) 

30. You are capable of having thoughtful, intelligent discussions about subjects that; even if you don't necessarily agree on the topic at hand; teach both of you something and remain respectful. 

31. You feel fully comfortable around them naked, in bright afternoon light. 

32. You reciprocate all of these things for them, and are excited at the prospect of being a better, smarter, more caring person because of the healthy way in which you love one another.

I read these on Eric Roberson's blog and thought I'd share as well. (http://www.ericrobersonmusic.com/2012/09/26/signs-youre-dating-a-keeper/)

Parent's Anniversary

 This is is an old post from another blog that I deactivated..

My parents celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary this month. I think that is really a great accomplishment. It is something that I hope to achieve myself. What they and some others possess is really beautiful. Now for my parents, I think it was a 'Steve Urkel effect'. (chuckling) I am very serious though. To hear my mom tell it, she didn't give him any of her attention and after he wore her down for four years, they were married. My parents are complete opposites, if there ever were any even til this day. It's amazing one of them hasn't killed the other for getting on each other's nerves but they really love each other and that's what's kept them together so long. So to illustrate my parents differences I'm going to describe them separately and then talk about them together. My mom is 5' ft tall(although if you ask her she will say 5'1), quiet, honey complexioned woman. From the outside, she is easy-going, gets along with everyone, and just a plain ole sweetie-pie as I've heard her described. Now from the inside(child's POV), she is understanding, dependable, and will do anything to help me or my sibling even when we don't ask. But make her mad, as kids, me and my sibling were more scared of her than my dad. I find that hilarious now. But when my mom was mad, she sets out to kill. As a kid, I once made a mistake of repeating what I hear on television and cursed and all I'm going to say is I'm surprised I'm alive on today. (giggling but; so serious) My mom is also very protect, more like over-protective. As kids, we could not spend the night at other people's houses and that went for most relatives too. I spent the night with a friend once in the 6th or 7th grade and that was a miracle and it only happened because my dad let me go after she said 'no'. She was mad but she let me go and it was only for one night. She didn't play that but all were welcomed at my house. I guess that's because she was sheltered as a kid. She if you ask her was the ultimate bookworm and church girl. And in a way she still is, I love that she has remained the same over all that time. I love that woman so much, she's a big part of my heart. :) Now on to my dad who is 6'ft tall, loud, dark coffee-complexioned military man. My dad has been in the military for over have of his life but he is the all-time jokester. He jokes even when it's not funny. He speaks his mind at all times and is always been hardworking. It's interesting and funny that most of the people that my dad interacts with are a little bit scared of him(that are not in the military of course) and he doesn't even know it. I told him a couple of years ago and of course he didn't believe me. Even in his family, they jump if he tells them to do something. It's funny that me and my sibling are the opposite when it comes to him telling us to do something. We always have to remind him that we are not his soldiers but his children. (That is a losing battle, let me tell you.) My dad never hesitates to do anything I ask him to though. He's always had a hustle to provide for us. Grateful for that. Even though, he gets on my absolute last nerve, I love that man dearly. Those two together are the ultimate All-Star team. Although they couldn't be more at the opposite ends of the spectrum, they complement each other so well. My mom usually keeps my dad in check and my dad handles all the concerns my mom would never confront on her own. They are best of friends and tell each other everything and share just about everything with the exception of clothes; But what my dad's is my mom's and what's my mom's is my dad's if he asks permission first. (Giggling) They have been through several ups and downs but they made it. They truly meant til death do us part in their vows. They set a great example of what love looks like. Move over Barack and Michelle, you have nothing on my parents. 

That's all for now so until next time.

I'm back

Hello readers. I'm back. It's 2014 and I am going to try to diligently write more. I have so much going in my head and my life. I've been thinking about life a lot lately, the things that I've survived and experienced. Life really is like a rollercoaster with both ups and downs but lately mostly downs. I know this ride isn't over yet and it's destined for the up side. I recently had my heart broken, nursed my child thru major surgery and now am trying to learn a new language. Hola mis amigos.

I'm going to write these thoughts out of my mind. It's my life, my thoughts and my feelings here. Nothing really instructional but I hope my mistakes help someone else. That's all for now. Take care.

Until next time. 

Passion.... Artists in Their Element

I wrote this in 2006... I plan to add to it soon but until then read n enjoy!

I am an observant person, at least in my opinion. I love to sit back and take in my surroundings. In my somewhat short-lived lifetime, I have had the pleasure to know lots of musicians, photographers, models, actors, and other artistic-minded souls the like. They are all very different but all share one very common factor, their passion for their craft or gift.

At a past college that I attended, I immersed myself into the theatrical and on-stage lifestyle. I was drawn to the mystery of it all. So many different and various artist all brought together for one common purpose. The purpose of displaying their passion for everyone to see from the models with great bodies, aspiring actors that could evoke great emotion, awesome singers who could sing you to tears and very talented musicians who many times deserved and received standing ovations. The whole experience was eye-opening and intoxicating both at the same time.

Even in my church, there are some great musicians, singers, and songwriters. Some times, I find myself just watching the praise band do what they do best, putting their passion for their gift out there for others to appreciate it (and to the glory of God, of course). Many times, they are not appreciated as they should be and sometimes taken for granted, but they still do it. That just goes to show people that they don't do it for the praise and glory of others, they do it for themselves and the love that they have for it. Passion is an awesome motivator.

I once asked a friend of mine, who just happens to be a musician, when does he feels most free. His response was when he is practicing and playing his music. I, myself, am not a musician. I can't play an instrument well enough to even hold that title and nor can I sing, but I can totally understand what he means. You think one would get tired of the practicing or whatever processes they go through to hone their skills, but it's the hard work that pays off.

Have you ever paid attention to a musicians face when they are playing, a model's body language and attitude on the catwalk, a singer singing their heart out, an actor/actress when they are on stage, photographer on set, or a painter making their masterpiece. Their whole demeanor changes before your eyes. It really is quite amazing. It is all due to the passion that is deeply embedded in their heart. Passion…artists in their element, it really is a breath-taking act to witness.

I must add that this is not just limited to artists, people every day display passion about their careers. I only chose these specific people because it is who I am around mostly. I can only write about what I know. Much respect to all.

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Ok, so here it is 2012, a whole six years later and I'm a little later than I planned to be adding on to this topic. I am a member of a Facebook group that embodies musicians of all skill-levels and genres, from the big stage to just practicing in their basement. In the group, they describe their version of passion. Here are some excerpts:

    'Lawrence Blacksurfer Farmer-- Quite str8 forward.....when I walk in your house.... Get in your car.... Have a convo with u...do u bleed music?!...... And MOST important of all.......are Others Affected by your Passion?!?!?!?........ If you hung/worked out with Lebron James or Kobe Bryant....it wouldn't talk long for your to GET that their Passion IS basketball... If you ever Rode shotgun with a Cop.... You would CLEARLY see... That fighting crime is a PASSION....Everybody ain't built to do everything......but that don't take away from their Passion....case in point the Musician with MAD GEAR who can't play a lick!!! One cannot say he doesn't have passion because CLEARLY they have invested $$$ but if that same cat would never consider dropping $$ for some lessons then maybe his passion is for the IMAGE of an Elite Musician...... Hmmmmmm'

"Passion in any Phase of Life is Contagious......So if you SAY you have a Passion for Music and no one has been INfected then.........#PassionFail...... Some of y'all are too Young to Really have Passion for anything....that's just LIFE....but with Music Passion CAN be measured by the Trail......#BlazeIt"

 "No Trail You FAIL!!!"( also written by Lawrence Farmer)

Webster's dictionary definition of passion is 'a : the emotions as distinguished from reason; b : intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction a : ardent affection : love; b : a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept; c : an object of desire or deep interest.'

So here's my spin on the whole passion topic.....

I think a person's passion is something that encompasses that person. It totally consumes them and therefore, it has no choice but to flow out of them because of their mindset. There is a saying/proverb out that states something along the lines of whatever you think, therefore you are. In layman's terms(my interpretation), whatever you think about, it is what you are. People who have a passion, in this case for music, eat, sleep, and drink music. It's their second language. They can listen to a song and break it down the timing, what instrument played what section, and probably other details I couldn't imagine. But I think it goes further than that,(I'm going to try to explain it the way I see it in my head), their passion for music goes much deeper than the practicing, rehearsals, researching and listening to music. Music is him/her/them! It's what drives them to get up every morning, spend long hours practicing(gig or no gig). When he/she/they plays, they are transformed into all the things they cannot say and/or express.

My cousin's words...."Jessica Lumpkin--I definitely go in another mode when I'm playing. There's nothing like it...most people expect a different person or personality, because I'm everything I'm not when I'm playing: bold, aggressive, beautiful, soft, dynamic. unshielded..."

 Passion is a person's drive to get his/her/their most rawest and truest self out... not holding anything back.

                  -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Passion is contagious as previously quoted. Being around passionate people makes you want to find something that drives you just as hard, well at least if you want to go somewhere in life.

"I just think cats get confused with liking something a lot and having a PASSION for it....it's like in church.... We all wanna see folk get saved....but an EVANGELIST has a PASSION for souls.... It consumes them... So they (the Legit ones) conduct themselves accordingly.... Do those of us So-Called Passionate music minds do the same!?!?" This statement says a lot about the difference in passion and what people perceive as passion. Well, hopefully this aids in distinguishing the two.

Again, I used musicians as a reference because that is who I was around but this principle applies to all artists the like. Shoot, this applies to all people of passion. Passionate people continue to push even when others think that they have risen to a certain level because they always feel they can do more and better than the last time.

Until next time.

Let's Talk Love...

So there was a post on Facebook that read, "Love is...." so I thought long and hard before I replied so here is my answer, "Love just 'is'...as previously posted... It's simple but yet like many things we make it complicated. Things like hurt, disappointment, and scorn taint our perception of it." I omitted the last part because it's irrelevant. He wasn't asking a question though although many like myself did leave a comment of what we think love is. Here I'm going to elaborate on the subject or at least my perception of the subject. As I previously stated love is simple, we as people make it hard. Think of children and pets in this example, children and pets love unconditionally. Believe it or not, we teach our children how to love or in better terms, pass on our interpretation of love. Some people mistreat their children or their pets but despite that, the child or pet will still cry when remove out of said adult's care. Kind of baffles the mind doesn't it?! There are often stories of children removed from their parents' care for mistreatment but they, ironically, ran away back to those parents who hurt them in the first place. This is why domestic violence/abuse is passed down through generations because that is how their parents' showed their 'love'. It's a sad and tragic cycle. So back to my main point. love in itself is simple. We are built to love. We do things we love which in turn become our hobbies, if not our jobs if we are lucky/blessed. Our idea of love slowly adjusts as we go thru life and experience various hurts and/or disappointments especially by the people who claim to 'love' us.

My ideal of love is that love is an action. Never just words, too many people have told me they loved me but their actions screamed differently. I have faced the fact that I am a hard person to love. I push people away but I don't know why, I just seem to have that knack for it. I'm the type of person that you don't have to spend a whole lot of money on... I'm all about being creative in displaying love. I guess you could classify me as a romantic. I would love to walk on the beach holding hands, relax in the park, or chill in the house lounging on my partner, watching television or a movie. Let's cook together, have a water-gun fight, or just make-out like high school kids as long as we are spending time together, I'm happy. Now this doesn't mean we are hanging together both on our cellphones or laptops, ignoring each other. Show me you love me, if you know I'm sick call/text to see how I feel. Send me an email to let me know I'm on your mind. Communicate with me, to me there's nothing sexier than stimulating conversation. Tell me about the day, stories of days as kid and about family, and/or whatever we feel at the moment. I'm an emotion gal, as much as I try to hold it together some days, I just can't and all I want is just a hug... no words needed. I think my biggest flaw among many that I have is that I love too much. I do things for people that don't deserve it and that use me but why, despite how bad they make me feel, I do things in my ability because I know that they need me on some level. I love my child and I pray every day and night that I am teaching them to love correctly. Sorry for any rambling, I have a tendency to do that too. :)

Until next time readers....

Feelings and Emotions

These are two of my least favorite words. Yeah, I'm a girl but so what?! I am not one to deal with my feelings or want to get all mushy with tears and things. Nah, I'll pass. Weddings, most sad movies, and things of that nature does not start a stir in me. It more or less will cause me to roll my eyes and sigh loudly to let you know of my disgust. Yeah, I've heard that I'm mean and heartless, blah, blah, blah. Honestly, I try  to ignore it because I am neither. Well, I can be harsh and mean but I do have tact and can distinguish when my tough love is beneficial.

A lot of times, I just choose to not show my feelings but that doesn't mean that I don't have them. In all actuality, I am a very emotional person. I just try to not let the outside world know that. I just prefer not to deal with them. I'm such a passionate person that I, often times, have a hard time keeping them under control. I've seen emotions make people do some crazy things or do things that they later regret, and I never want to get like that. Life is too short to have regrets!

Until next time.

Feeling Giddy...

Have you ever liked someone so much just being around them is intoxicating. When you think of them or about them, a big smile just comes across your face and you just automatically get in a good mood. When he/she is around, your heart starts racing and your stomach gets nervous(butterflies). You can't help but to look at them, but you don't wanna be creepy with it so you have to do it craftily. You try in catch glimpses of him/her out of the corner of your eye or watch them out of your peripheral view. It's something about them that is so enchanting and draws you in soooo much.


And I'm not even talking from a sexual perspective because that is a whole other topic of discussion. LOL!! And not one that I'm going to touch on tonight either, I will save that for another time. Now, getting back on the topic, you want to strike up a conversation just so you'll have their attention even if it's for a moment but you are at a loss of words as to what to say so you say nothing. Sometimes, your mouth gets dry and you feel a little sweaty. Other times, it just makes you nervous to be around them and you just clam up and fade into the background.


It's just something about them that is so intriguing and it sucks you in like a vacuum. You want to know just about everything there is to know about him/her. What they are thinking about, what they are doing when you are not around, and what really makes them tick. Even small things about them, you want to know like what his/her favorite color is or what's his/her favorite time of the year. Soooo.... have any of you ever felt like that? Yeah, me neither...LOL! Sike, I'm just kidding. I've felt this way many times but unfortunately, circumstances were not in my favor and things didn't work out or it simply wasn't meant to be. Well, that's all for now...until next time.

General Info

Ok, I thought I'd just share a little more about myself. I'm a single mother of an almost 10yr old. I am one of the coolest women you will meet because I like to have fun and go with the flow for the most part.


I love anything adventurous. I want to bungee jump and skydive one day. I also want to try rock-climbing and scuba diving. A lot of my friends will think I am crazy for wanting some of those things but life is so short, we should enjoy it to the fullest. This world is full of opportunities and I refuse to let them pass me by.


Even with that said, I am also laid back at times. I don't mind relaxing at home or at my friends' place just listening to music or talking, cracking jokes, and just goofing off. A lot of my friends are musicians and that suits me just fine, they help my appreciation for music. I am also an amateur musician myself, I can play drums and am getting back to playing the keys. I am currently about to learn how to play the guitar. What can I say, I come from a family of musicians. LOL! I like to dance too, although most times I just dance at home in my apartment. I don't care though, music really moves me and gets me through tough times.


Hmm, other random hobbies and interests of mine include doing theater work( I really miss it a lot), drawing, painting and coloring( yes, I still color...lol). I love going to see plays and concerts(although it sends me into a claustrophobic frenzy, I bear it as best as I can), going to museums and anything that stimulates me mentally. I have to keep my mind busy, it is often my own worst enemy but I'll save talking about that for another day.


More facts, my favorite color is purple. Ummm, I'm in school trying to finish my degree. I have a day job like everyone else and also aid my friends' band to which I call my family. They are an awesome group of men and women. Birds of a feather do flock together. I also have a wonderful chosen family who are there for me just as my blood family would be. I love them all with all my heart and we are small but a tough, close, and strong group, make that family.


Oh well, I guess that's enough for now. I'm supposed to be doing homework anyways. Hahaha

Introductions

Hey all!!!

Welcome to the Candy Shop Lounge where you can read the random thoughts that come across my mind and I feel the need to share. My name is Candi and I am a small town girl living in fast-paced city world. I have a hard time focusing on most things, I crack jokes, usually about myself and tell you the truth even if you don't want to hear it. I consider myself a genuine person and I try to treat everyone the same, no matter if you are rich or homeless. We all have to get through this adventure called life and many of us are just doing the best we can so money and fame don't phase me as everyone has to put shoes on one foot at a time. I'm just happy to have feet. I also love God with all my heart but I am NOT a perfect Christian. I have struggles and bad days just like everyone else so don't be surprised at what you will read. Hope you all enjoy what is going on in my head or what I'm feeling and are able to relate.

Please feel free to leave comments, I'm interested to see what you all have to say.

Until next time.